Well, that Opening Ceremony has certainly drawn some stick, hasn't it?
“Jaw droppingly, heart breakingly, eye wateringly humiliating for the poor Brits.”
And then there was this backward-looking, narrow-minded piece of HATE spewed by Forbes: "There was no dignified memorializing of the greatness, uniqueness, and courage of Britain’s past. Just writhing self-abasement before the shibboleth of socialized medicine and political correctness".
My goodness. Well, here's my take. The ceremony failed because it was too backward-looking. It simply did not have enough of the vibrancy deriving from a greater emphasis on the New Britons. Ok, we did see representations of African coal miners in 19th century Yorkshire, and some dusky maidens frolicking around the medieval May-pole. But that my friends was tokenism, blacks playing the part of Britons, not their own rich and vibrant cultures.
With that in mind I propose the following alternative ceremony.

Opening scene: Medieval music by way of the harp, lute and dulcimer echoes softly through the stadium as pale-skilled blue-eyed girls, comely maidens one and all, circle the Maypole to the sound of innocent laughter. The audience gasp as this idyll is suddenly replaced by loud hip hop, er, music, courtesy of Mr. Dizzee Rascal while a double-decker bus careers into the stadium.
It grinds to a halt in a cloud of dust, whereupon a group of magnificently muscled African New Britons emerges. Without a hitch they make a bee line for the comely maidens who flee in terror. However they're easily caught by the New Britons who immediately proceed to rape and rob them. The commentator notes approvingly how the scene faithfully represents the authentic culture of modern Britain.
Again the stadium is shaken, this time by a giant explosion of dry ice. As it clears the dim outline of a Social Welfare Office emerges. At which point the New Britons, pausing only to pick up the maiden's remaining valuables, make a bee line for the building. To thunderous applause they re-emerge within seconds, brandishing their brand new welfare cheques.
But now the mood darkens. Sombre music replaces the hip hop. The audience falls silent. Then a sympathetic murmur begins as a small African boy, bearing a placard behind his back, emerges out of the shadows. He walks diffidently towards the gathered New Britons. And then, in a moment of almost unbearable poignancy, he reveals the sign. It says, simply,
'DAD'.
The poor little mite is looking for his father. Sobbing can be heard from many in the audience. Then the lad gets near enough to enable the
New Britons to read the placard. This immediately occasions a frantic stampede as they flee in all directions
Now I ask you, would this not be better than what we've seen? Is it not forward-looking and so much more authentic than all this Industrial Revolution stuff? And that's not all. I have ideas for an honour killing re-enaction, a bomb going off in the Tube (think how exciting that would be) and a fond look back by the last White Man living in Pekham.
And I offer it to the world for free.