Wednesday, 2 November 2011

I need your help here


Lady Savant has popped over to London to offload some of my unwanted cash. As usual, I've been allocated some rudimentary housework in her absence, basically to hang out the washing. (This is about the extent of her confidence in me. My domestic record is one of unalloyed disaster).

One of the garments that came to hand was her aerobics 'thingy'. Now here's where I need your help. How in the Name of Jesus could any human being get into that thing? I could fully understand - fully understand - how a human-like creature with two heads, one leg and five arms would have it on in a flash. But a human?

I'm baffled.........

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're really gonna have to be more specific here. I honestly have no idea what you're talking about, although I admit I'm intrigued.

SAVANT said...

Well, it's a tiny thing when unstretched. But when extended it morphs into a baffling series of extensions and openings which seem to have no relationship to the human anatomy.

Anonymous said...

Bra?

Oohhhhh.

Well, as someone with DDs, let me tell you that you make it work. Mainly because the alternative is crippling boob pain, followed (in about 2 years time) by knocking yourself out with your own body part.

Not fun.

Try asking for a demo, is all I'll say.

Anonymous said...

Ye see the white man lacking the poetry of the african who invented the typewriter and improved on the computer (see savants passim)and all good things in life does not have the intellectual capability to appreciate the inventions of others (nor jazz come to think of it) with his Chris de Burgh and Phil Collins in his head he has no appreciation of the finer things in life ....

Anonymous said...

Is this a leotard Savant?.

My own dear wife possesses several of these though why I have no idea!.She only weighs about 40 kilos dripping wet and does'nt need aerobics.

Are these garments compulsory for women to own?

mr.a

W Baker said...

I suggest you do as a wise old uncle once told me: after his honeymoon, he was "encouraged" to do the washing up after dinner. (Egged on by her, as he told it, about the possibility of getting into her knickers after the job was done.)

He went into the kitchen, did a few dishes, and then found one of the more expensive wedding gifts - some large, bone-china platter, raised it to eye level and let it drop to the stone floor.

Cost him around $700 (then), but he swore he never washed another dish!

May I suggest some bleach, scalding hot wash, and a very hot dryer for your spandex/lycra item?

kulak said...

Aerobics? Prey animals do aerobics.

Do this (yeah, over time his chink wife has turned him a little weird, but the book is pre- chink weirdness.)

Do this

And do sprints. Gotta blow the rust off those valves. None of this running or jogging or bicycling crap.

And no boobybuilding. An orangutan doesn't have big bulging muscles, but can kick your ass.

If you've never done any of those three things, you will become more flexible, stronger, faster, lighter on your feet (which is not the same thing as weighing less) than you thought possible, and it will happen, well, not immediately, but faster than you expect.

James Lord said...

Good advice W Baker. Remember all of you - the rules of combat are established, de jure and/or de facto, at the beginning of a marriage. Very hard to change them afterwards.

kulak said...

I do the dishes every night.

I have no idea how that happened.

We never talked about it explictly. Just one night I noticed, "WTF? How did this happen?"

Franz said...

@ Kulak

I get a kick out of the idea of you walking into a room full of leotard-clad ladies and announcing (dead-serious) "Prey animals do aerobics."

If you don't want to put theory into practice, I'll petition Christopher Walken. Should be a great scene for him.

Californian said...

There are some things which are not meant to be understood by humans...

Rob said...

"But when extended it morphs into a baffling series of extensions and openings which seem to have no relationship to the human anatomy."
Sounds pretty kinky to me. You sure you know what your wife is up to when your back is turned, Savant?

kulak said...

@Franz

I'd love to, but then I'd have to explain to the wife what I was doing in a women's aerobics class.

She just wouldn't believe me if I claimed altruism.

Franz said...

@ kulak

Ah well. Chris Walken it'll have to be then. Cowbell time!

john said...

I dunno Savant, mine has a couple too, but I bet she looks nice in it! :)

john said...

And oh, btw, at least your domestic record 'allows' a bit of laundry ; due to unusual circumstances here of late, I have OFFERED to try and learn how to help with the washing. My offer was rebuffed - I am relegated to running the vacuum only... ;)

Jack Quinn said...

Savant wrote:

"...it morphs into a baffling series of extensions and openings..."

For God's sake, man. Just buy her the usual size XXXXXXXXXXXXL for Xmas and be done with it.

http://irishsavant.blogspot.com/2009/08/lady-savants-naughty-undies.html

Anonymous said...

Never try to figure out the secret things of women. You just can't do it. I did hear a rumor women pour into them at the stroke of midnight, flying off to fight such things as chocolate and ice-cream when they try and take over the thighs and the posterior on all women everywhere. The women win some and they lose some. You never even knew they were gone, but that's why they are tired all day.

Anonymous said...

Andrew Wiles might be able to help as he solved Fermat's Last Theorem.

Anonymous said...

A ha! now you can appreciate Blyth Masters inventing Credit Default Swaps which mortal man finds hard to understand!