Saturday, 25 December 2010

Ireland's salvation is at hand!

Our Esteemed Leader has rocked the country with a stunning new initiative. Brian Cowan, for it is he, staring implacably into a distant horizon, recently revealed: “For the first time since the foundation of the State, we have a comprehensive long-term plan for the Irish language. This plan aims to increase the number of people who speak Irish on a daily basis from 83,000 to 250,000 over the next 20 years. Achieving this goal will not be easy, but I am confident that we will succeed.”
My God!’ I cried out to Lady Savant, ‘the man has cracked it! This is exactly what’s required in our hour of need. With this exciting initiative, and the recent Blasphemy Law, we can now fearlessly face the future.'
I was beside myself with excitement. I still am!
Ok, admittedly the language project hasn’t exactly been a stunning success to date. I’ll concede that after ninety years shoving the language down reluctant throats, the expenditure of tens of billions of cash, otherwise destined for schools and hospitals, and the allocation of a fifth of all school teaching hours – I’ll admit that nobody speaks it apart from an oily priesthood of self-serving parasites sucking money from their productive prey by way of state-sanctioned enforcement.

And some curmudgeons insist that this is just another stupid bandwagon that the conniving idiot has leapt onto, as his popularity plunges to low single figures.

But I don't agree. I see it as a thrilling development. In fact I'm so enthused that I've taken down and dusted off my old English/Irish dictionary and came up with a few phrases myself which I believe will prove invaluable in the years ahead.

We must all do our bit, you know.

Here’s my contribution so far. Note: I will continue this work into the future.

Cá bhfuil an brú is gaire Arm an tSlánaithe? (Where is the nearest Salvation Army hostel?)

Beidh mé ag dhíol mo thóin le haghaidh bia (I will sell my ass for food)

Cá bhfaighidh mé duine bán in Éirinn? (Where can I find a white person in Ireland?)

An féidir liom mo chuid Béarla ar ais le do thoil? (Can I have my English language back please?)


Bemused stare said...

I speak English, Afrikaans and German and yet, I just get the feeling when I hear that language, that the speaker has tangled his testicles around his tongue.

Macaw said...

Cá bhfaighidh mé duine bán in Éirinn? (Where can I find a white person in Ireland?)

F****g brilliant. This made my day..................

Anonymous said...

chuckle chuckle!

Rob said...

I think that guy has finally said goodbye to reality for good. You'd think someone who swallowed the contents of every headshop in Ireland couldn't come up with something as crazy as that.

Anonymous said...

Yes, all very funny, Savant. But personally I think it's very important to preserve the ancient Celtic languages. It is part of our history - be it Welsh, Cornish, Manx or Scottish/Irish Gaelic - and something I personally wouldn't resent contributing towards.

There are plenty of ways in which your idiotic government has got you into this mess, attacking the funding of an integral part of your culture's totally unnecessary.

Krokodil said...

It's the typical trademark of all failed premiers/governments to thrash about wildly for some or other political stunt to hopefully (from their point of view) keep up their steadily dwindling support and credibility.

If people want to speak Gaelic (that's correct, I presume) that's fine - but evangelizing a marginal language, accompanied by huge wads of cash, is an utter waste of time and resources.

It's nice to be born an English-speaker.

W Baker said...

" I’ll admit that nobody speaks it apart from an oily priesthood of self-serving parasites sucking money from their productive prey by way of state-sanctioned enforcement."

I've run into a few of these professional Celts over the years. A good many are also in Wales and Scotland - and even a few in Cornwall! The ones I've run into are mostly in the 'education' system and, if I had to guess, there are several more bureaucratic layers above their pay grade before one gets to the real tax leaches in the regional assemblies!

'Contrived' and 'artificial' are the first two words that come to mind!

Happy Boxing Day!

E. Henry Thripshaw said...

Reminds me of a short film about a Chinese student who spun a globe and randomly put his finger down on Ireland. So he spends like a year learning to speak Irish fluently and then visits Ireland. Everywhere he goes, he tries to talk to people in Irish, but nobody understands what the f#ck he's saying. Finally, he goes into a pub and asks for a drink. The bartender has know idea what he's saying. Then some old Irish guy starts talking to him in Irish and they have a short conversation. The bartender looks shocked and says to the old guy "I didn't know you could speak Chinese, fella!"

SAVANT said...

Unrepentant - this is true as far as it goes, but the resources wasted on this fiasco have been scandalous. You can't force people to speak a particular language. Generally when people, especially Irish people, are forced into something, they'll resist. All this new money will do is create more tokenism. Sign posts in irish, transalting EU legislation into Irish, that kind of thing..

Anonymous said...

Excellent Thripshaw my boy, excellent!!!

Anonymous said...

@ Bemused Store-Those languages you speak are merely dialects of one another.

Savant, I think you're being harsh on the Gaeilge here. You're all for nations expressing there unique cultures, then why not linguisticaly too?

I mean English could easily go the way of Irish in Ireland if it was banned and systematicly surpressed in favour of, let's say, Swahili. I'm Irish and would much prefer to speaking Irish, especially abroad.

Ok, nothing wrong either with having English as a lingua franca, a bit like the Scandanavians or just about ecerybody else these days. Fairplay to the Jews for making Hebrew a vernacular in less than 50 years.

Anonymous said...

My God, Savant. After all these years, you are the answer to my prayers.

Can you publish the Gaelic for "My hovercraft is filled with eels."?

I would be eternally grateful.

Thank You,

Uncle Nasty

Anonymous said...

I remember sitting in a pub in Cardiff with some native Welsh-speaking mates. A couple of middle-aged Cardiff ladies turned to them and said, "Are you from Holland, by any chance? You're speaking Dutch now, isn't it?"


clogheen said...

Savant I'm surprised and disappointed at you. You emphasise at all times the need for us to express and take pride in our European and national heritages. What can express this more than our languages? A bit more consistency please.

SAVANT said...

@clogheen and anon 1.04. Reasonable points, but I equate this to trying to 'bridge the achievement gap' between blacks and others in the US. The similarity is that vast resources of time, money and energy are thrown at an impossible target. The net result is the growth of an industry of race/language hustlers who feed off it and who'd be out of work if the supposed goal were ever achieved.

SAVANT said...

@Uncle Nasty. This is indeed a potentially very valuable phrase and as such I've gone to the trouble of translating it for you.

It's "Is é mo sciorrárthach líonadh le eascanna"

Don't forget it!

Dave C said...

For me, you are striking your first bum note here Savant. I think the teaching of Irish (which is a difficult language) has been very poor in the past and personally I'm very happy with the success of Gaelscoileanna.

Anonymous said...

'All this new money will do is create more tokenism. Sign posts in Irish, translating EU legislation into Irish, that kind of thing.'

Well firstly, Savant - not all of the money is wasted. Producing new sign posts in Irish and translating documents into Irish will create jobs, jobs that are particularly hard to export i.e. Irish jobs. The employees will then pay tax to the government on their earnings, and then 21% tax (that's your VAT rate, right?) on all money they spend.

Secondly, the fact there are jobs for Irish speakers is an incentive for people to learn Irish.

Now I hate governments and bureaucrats and can sympathise with your scorn to that extent. But this is about the preservation of your culture and heritage.

It's funny you Irish are all patriotic, and many of you resent the English for subjugating you, etc, etc. But none of you can be bothered to learn YOUR OWN language. You speak English, and do you know why that is?

From the BBC:

'The Gaelic aristocratic world was to collapse in 1601 when a last rally of Gaelic Ireland against the English conquest failed. From then on dispossession, plantation and new legal and economic systems ensured that the Irish language went into decline. The Irish language had no official status and was actively discouraged or suppressed.'

That's from the BBC

Dispossession, plantation, discouragement and suppression are what contributed to the loss of your language. Don't let apathy, idleness and thrift lead to its extinction.

Then again, a 'Brit' telling you what to do's not going to help much... ;)

Seriously, having ancestry all over the British Isles (including the Catholic Irish) I really care about the preservation of the Celtic languages.

Ian Paisley said...

A scandalous waste of money on a dirty, Fenian language! ;)

RegThe Hedge said...

Lol. You´ve dug yourself a hole Savant. iI´d apologies and admit I was wrong ; - )

Rob said...

@Savant 11.09.
That about sums it up. It would be great if most people took a genuine interest in their language, culture and history. But that's not happening, and the desire to promote knowledge of the language has become a racket for transferring wealth from those who create it to "public servants" of various kinds and beneficiaries of the various Gaeltacht grants.

Also, the standard of Irish is often very poor among those who are paid to know it.

Anonymous said...


Mara said...


I feel the same as you Savant. The LAST thing we need to be treating as an 'emergency' is this Irish-language BS.

I am glad too that you remembered that NOTHING has been done to repeal the hideous and shameful BLASPHEMY LAW. I have taken to humiliating the many loud n proud atheists of 'atheist Ireland' who made such great headlines in the past PROMISING to demand a referendum on it----and of course NOTHING came of it. I am going to hound these lazy gits day in and day out to finish what they started and get that stone-age law repealed somehow.

What will learning Irish matter when our Euro/Islamic overlords are running the show?

It won't.

Happy New year Savant :)

Anonymous said...

Mara - word has it that Saudi money played a role in the introduction of the blasphemy law. Don't know how true it is...

Anonymous said...

Still, it would be better for the Irish to speak Irish than Nigerian Pidgin. I hear that in London now all the white kids speak like Ali G. Cockney is more endangered than Gaelic in London.

@Ian Paisley, the New Ian Paisley, ex-member of the Chuckle Brothers double act is probably learning Irish now.

Anonymous said...

Quote JP- I remember sitting in a pub in Cardiff with some native Welsh-speaking mates. A couple of middle-aged Cardiff ladies turned to them and said, "Are you from Holland, by any chance? You're speaking Dutch now, isn't it?"

Probably a couple of coalburning producers of half-castes. Yardiff is full of them.

Anonymous said...

Savant - have you seen the movie Centurion? It is about the Romans trying to conquer all of Britain but giving up on Scotland after the annihilation of one of their legions (whether it is based on true events or not, I wouldn't know).

The northerners are speaking in something other that English. It had a harsh tone to it, so that I initially thought was something from Scandinavia until I realized the movie was about Britain. Was it Gaelic?

SAVANT said...

anon 2.01. Have not seen that movie but yes, the native language of Scotland is very similar to Gaelic - or Irish as we'd call it. And yes, it is a very harsh-sounding language.

Anonymous said...

@2.01 and Savant, might be Cumbric, an ancient Celtic language now extinct but was spoken in what is now the English-Scottish borders in Roman times. It would be closer to Welsh and Cornish than Gaelic. The natives of Scotland, north of the Forth in Roman times would have spoken Pictish. Whether this language was Celtic or non-Indo-European is open to debate. Cumbric was spoken south of the Forth. Gaelic was established later by Scoti invaders from Ireland who gave their name to Scotland. Strange as it may seem the original Scots were Irish and Ireland was known as Scotia land of the Scots. Scotland was called Scotia Minor so as not confuse it with Ireland. The native Picts became Gaelic speakers. Scots Gaelic is mutually intelligible with Irish and is closer to old Irish than even modern Irish.

Anonymous said...

About Irish sounding harsh, I don't think English sounds very nice either to non-English speakers. Italian might be the only language in the world that sounds sexy.

SAVANT said...

anon 20.46. You've provided a far more detailed explanation than I confirm though that Scots Gaelic and what we call Irish (i.e. 'Irish Gaelic) are very similar.

Anonymous said...

@Ian Paisley

A scandalous waste of money on a dirty, Fenian language! ;)

Hoots mon a cribbens id haz mare spakers dan OOlster-Scods!

Anonymous said...


Solzhenitsyn became invisible when, with his (disappeared) Address he warned the soon-to-become-invisible people of their possible fate if they didn't raise their shields.

They didn' listen, and that's one of the reasons why they deserve their current station, and more of it.

Besides. Anglos are unbelievably gullible and violent. Gullibility is not to be conflated with goodness: it's diverse attributes.

It's not by chance that the North America-South America Was has disappeared from historical memory.
But if you see into the infamy of that war, you see the Yankees deserve their current station, and more of it.

This time they are the "South" :)

This time they have a slavery they don't hate and madden over: their own.

After destroying millions of Japanese (that had been PROVOKED into declaring war), South Americans, and European whites, I think it was about time history closed the chapter about the Yankees.

They have found out that there is a comfortable side to slavery, and comfort in being the slaves themselves.