Was intrigued while glancing through the TV channel guide a couple of weeks ago at a BBC program entitled The Snot Report. My mind boggled. I assumed it related to the snotting exploits of footballers, such as that of David Beckham pictured here.
In fact I've always been amazed at the variety and dexterity used to, to use the correct term, desnottify. Any and all combinations of fingers and thumbs have been used, and I once noticed a Tongan prop forward using both hands for the exercise. I swear!
Some methods are inherently riskier than others. The classical Single Thumb approach is simple, effective, and ensures comprehensive nostril coverage. However, it’s essential that the remaining fingers be elevated above the thumb to ensure safe usage.
By far the riskiest is the Single Index Finger (a.k.a. the 'Cascarino Method', as explained later). This runs the grave risk of placing the thumb directly in the path of the projectile. I've warned my grateful team-mates on this danger over the years, but unfortunately was never in a position to pass on such sage advice to Tony Cascarino.
Who can forget that terrible night when Ireland played Malta in the World Cup? Cass placed his index finger on his nostril and took a deep breath. ‘No Cass’ I shouted at the TV ‘don't do it!’. But too late. My worst fears were realised as a three inch snot wrapped itself around his thumb. It reminded me of the fifties’ B movie The Blob, where a flesh-eating snot-like thing, once it got any grip on you, slowly consumed your whole body. This was what Cass’s dilemma was like. As he flayed around to shake off the offending snot, it wrapped itself around his other fingers in a vice-like grip. Happily, it didn't consume him.
So it was with such entertainment in mind I settled down to watch Snot Report on the Beeb, fortified with a cup of cocoa and a packet of Ryvita biscuits. Alas, I was to be grievously disappointed. It was all a mistake. A simple but vital one. A single letter had made Snot Report out of Snow Report. So I was left with just another dreary weather forecast.
I know you’ll share my disappointment with me, and I thank you in advance.