Wednesday, 21 October 2009

The US stimulus package: Your questions answered

Question: What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

Answer: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Question: Where will the government get this money?

Answer:From taxpayers.

Question: So the government is giving me back my own money?

Answer: Only a smidgen.

Question: What is the purpose of this payment?

Answer: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Question: But isn't that stimulating the economy ofChina ?

Answer: Shut up!

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China . If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India . If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala . If you buy a car, it will go to Japan, Germany or Korea. If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:
1. spending it at yard sales, or 2. going to ball games, or 3. spending it on prostitutes, or 4. beer or 5. tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the US ..)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you meet at a yard sale and drink beer allday.

10 comments:

W Baker said...

One could smoke weed and, when you get the 'munchies', can eat as much genetically modified field corn as you can possibly dream of!

Come to think of it, that's what most American's do: get silly on the weekend, go sit in a cubicle at work, and eat processed food products made out of fucking corn!

(That's maize for all of you Europeans who haven't been blessed with Monsanto and ADM and high fructose corn syrup!)

Anonymous said...

We're getting that way here in Europe!

leadpb said...

Don't forget charitable causes...

Oh, wait. That's us.

Anonymous said...

Nice one, leadpb!!

MacAnGallog said...

Brian Cowen was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Cowen if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'No,' said Brian,'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Brian - 'that's what we would call great loss' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Brian searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mr. Lenihan was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brian. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?' 'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!'

Anonymous said...

Love it, macangallog!!

Anonymous said...

It was incredibly difficult for him no doubt, but Nick Griffin performed poorly.

he failed to learn the most basic rule of public discourse - if you're explaining you're losing. The ogther elementary tool for every politician is to have a statement ready to role out on any subject, and to use it no matter what the question.

Shame really.

cambrill said...

Yes Volker is - was - the one honest man in a den of thieves.

SAVANT said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Forget about the beer.