Friday, 16 October 2009

Master criminal stalks England

As England reels under the onslaught of a master criminal, householders lock their doors early, citizens fearfully walk the streets and children are sent to bed early. It’s no exaggeration to say that terror stalks the land. Nowhere is safe from this criminal mastermind, whose reach extends to every corner of the realm, even, and I'm looking fearfully over my shoulder as I write this, into the office of the Prime Minister himself!

The extent of the crisis can be gauged by the fact that large numbers of police have been withdrawn from their diversity training and gypsy appreciation courses. What has this evil mastermind been up to? He's been sending out letter, that's what. But not just any letters. Let me quote from that impeccably unbiased source, the Guardian (this link).

“According to Hampshire police, which is heading the investigation, the letters are all pro-English in content” (imagine that, pro-English. The cheek) “and racially inflammatory, with many appearing to have been sent in response to Daily Mail articles. All the letters are offensive and racist against a wide variety of nationalities and cultures.”
And in a terrifying demonstration of the criminal’s reach “One of the letters was sent to Gordon Brown's constituency office in Fife in April.”

I have to warn you my friends, it gets even worse. This criminal, ruthlessly enclosing clippings from the Daily Mail, and heedless of the consequences, even accuses the BBC of racial bias! “The letters regularly express anti-BBC views and accuse the corporation of racial bias”.

All of this is deeply disturbing, but good news is at hand. The police forces have pooled resources and are leaving no stone unturned. “Various forces had already started their own investigations into the letters but Hampshire police has now taken control of the inquiry, codenamed Operation Heron. Officers in Hampshire have been liaising with colleagues in Fife, Strathclyde, Lothian & Borders, Derbyshire, Merseyside, Lincolnshire and Bedfordshire, and the investigation is being assisted by the National Domestic Extremism Team. An appeal for help from the public will be shown on tonight's Crimewatch programme on BBC1.”
And there’s even better news. Plod is closing in on the criminal. In a piece of stunning investigative work, detectives have identified the general whereabouts of the criminal’s lair, which has been narrowed down to the Portsmouth/Isle of Wight area . “Detective Inspector Donna Goff (suspiciously British name, that) said nearly all the letters were postmarked Portsmouth and the Isle of Wight”.
Well spotted!

Better again, they’ve even got an accurate fix on his age. How did they possibly discover this? Inspector Donna again: “Repeat phrases used also indicate this, especially reference to 'working for 50 years' and regular reference to pensions."

Now I admit I had to mull over this for a while but then realised that, by Jove, they’d cracked it! You see, if he’s been working for fifty years and is drawing a pension, well, to my mind at least, it’s a good indication that he’s elderly.

No flies on these guys.

Now a few words in conclusion. This is a deeply disturbing development, and I can understand if you’re all worried about it. But remember this. The odds of your being a victim are statistically tiny. A combined army of several regional police forces is on the job, and they’re closing on the terrorist. And I make no apologies for referring to him as such. Even now they can almost hear him cackling in his lair.

So don't worry and enjoy the weekend!


Anonymous said...

Well written post and shud be hoghly amusing. But I didn't find myself laughing. This whole PC diversity thing has gone completely off the scale.

kulak said...

Glass half empty: If they can spend so many resources on one such man, there must be few indeed.

Glass half full: They shit-scared. What would they do if faced with 100 such letter-writers?

Anonymous said...

That's actually a very good point kulak. They could be running scared.

tesla said...

I'm not in the know with regards to British law- is it a crime to write "hate" letters in the UK?

HenryIX said...

Indeed it is Tesla. On the assumption that the writer is white, I need hardly add.

Anonymous said...

As bad as the USA is in letting hordes of 3rd world immigrants in, at the very least they don't condemn you of thought crime if you disagree with it (as they apparently do in England) - yet. very disturbing story if true

Anonymous said...

Initially I thought this was a parody.
I'm gobsmacked.

SAVANT said...

Just to clarify, my teatemnt of it is satirical - is there any other way of treating this insanity? But the story is 100% true (even if taken from the Guardian!).

The real point of the post is to highlight the fact that vast numbers of police have been assigned to track down the culprit at a time when Brirain is reeling under an actual crime wave, notably black knive-wielding muggers and Islamic no-go areas.

Zngr said...

I laughed so hard I think I strained my abs.

This irrefutably proves Mr. Savant is an evil man.

Anonymous said...

Yes, WHAT WOULD THEY DO IF FACED WITH 100 SUCH LETTER-WRITERS? We are left to wonder in cuticle-nibbling suspense.

Whatever they did it would be more about quelling public alarm than actually sorting the "problem".

SAVANT said...

Thank you zngr - thats the highest compliment!

Big Bill said...

I spent months in Russia in 1975 and 1976, and I remember the fear the local people had when speaking to me. they would look over their shoulder before speaking,or shush me and wait until we were in a park before they would talk about certain subjects.

I look at Europe and I weep. And England, of all places! I guess the handwriting is on the wall.

The only way a Western society can become multicultural-- particularly if it is importing peasant stock having a limited intellect and a thoroughgoing hatred for the West -- is by ruthlessly suppressing speech and thought.

We have always been at war with Eastasia ... I mean, uhh, racism ... right?

Olaf said...

anon 20.18 makes a good point. My god, I quiver at the thought of such an eventuality!

Anonymous said...

Meanwhile, the streets of Brixton are ruled by crack dealers, whores, robbers and gangsters. Where are the cops?


Anonymous said...

Excellent wit, Savant.
Truly, what else can one do except laugh at the lunacy of Western culture's attempt to be
"democratic, egalitarian and open-minded?"

Anonymous said...


After having just read this blog and then posting a response ("democratic, egalitarian, and open-minded"), I was suddenly struck with the thought of how your blog and style of writing parallels that of another social critic, namely, Jonathan Swift. Ever thought about producing a compilation of your writings for posterity?

SAVANT said...

Thanks guys - I really appreciate that you appreciate. Well, anon 19.10.... can you just imagine if I tried to get my stuff published?

But nice thought anyway. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant writing! This should be on the MSM. Of course, it is exactly what WON'T be on the MSM.

Anonymous said...

Mishe Mpwenwe featured on last night's Night Cops working for the Lothian and Borders police in Edinburgh and I was wondering would he have been of the lowland or the highland clan as some bird called him a bastard and as teuchter is common in front of the other word it would have been completely ridiculous if he were lowlander!

brian boru said...

Are you talking about lowland and highland gorillas anon 21.02?