Are you unemployed and looking for work? Would you like a job that's secure (you cannot be fired) very well-paid, provides a full index-linked pension from age fifty onwards, a tax-free lump sum equivalent to your final 18 months salary on that retirement, and regular tax-free supplements of between €20,000 and €250,000 during your actual employment term?
You would? Good. But first a few questions:
* Are you terrified by loud noises or things that go bump in the night?
* Does the sight of a corpse tip you over the psychological abyss?
* Are you scared shitless by the sound of an explosion?
* Do you hunker down in terror if someone points a dummy gun at you?
You do? Well wonderful! You’re just the kind of person the Irish ‘security' services (army and police) are looking for.
No, don't worry. The Irish army doesn’t expect you to leap out of the trenches into a withering barrage of machinegun fire. This is entirely a risk-free profession. If you’re sent on a ‘peace keeping’ mission abroad, you’ll earn a lot of extra tax-free money, and be assured (it’s part of our agreement with the UN) that as soon as the bullets start flying you’ll be whisked out to safety.
As an example let me refer you to an earlier post (‘We’re the boys who fear no noise’) whereby a ‘soldier’ was awarded €300,000 for the trauma he suffered after hearing a ‘loud explosion’ in Lebanon. And already the state has paid out over €300 million to soldiers who deem their hearing to have been impaired from firing guns.
If you choose the police your opportunities are even better. Claims for injuries suffered in the line of duty are now running at over €14 million per annum. Although many of the claims are for occupational injuries such as slipping while getting into the squad car, the majority are for ‘trauma’ suffered as part of the work.
Check this out: 'A GARDA who was "immeasurably traumatised" after finding the bodies of a trainee officer and soldier following a shoot-out with the IRA kidnappers of Don Tidey was yesterday awarded €250,000.'
Or what about a current item, the unfortunate Garda Marie Twohig? This brave public servant was exposed to shocking violence while still being new to the force and for which she was awarded €30,000 last week for ‘psychological injuries’.
And not surprising. Listen to what happened to the poor creature: According to the Sunday Independent, she was ‘attacked by a woman who had been arrested, was spat upon and had her hair pulled’. My God, I bet she never expected that when she joined the police.
But it gets even worse! I swear.
Shortly after this incident she was confronted by a man brandishing a fake pistol. The intrepid upholder of the law then ‘curled herself into a ball and hunkered down underneath the dashboard’ of the squad car.
And she only got €30k. for that!
So there – how does that kind of work appeal to you? It does? Off you go then.
If you encounter some nasty stuff contact Messrs. Sue, Grabbitte and Runne, Solicitors.