Sunday, 5 April 2009

More Zen wisom

In line with my policy of keeping the blog serious, sophisticated and geared towards self-improvement, I occasionally outline some Zen wisdom, as I did here. Given the enlightenment self-evidently achieved by my readers, I have now collected another set of priceless teachings.

Remember, there's nearly 4,000 years of accumulated wisdom underlying these teachings.

1. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

2. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

4. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

5. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes..

6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

8. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

9. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

10. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

11. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

12. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

13. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

14. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

15. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

16. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

17. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Anonymous said...


Dont forget this one:


Anonymous said...

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Anonymous said...

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL

Anonymous said...

Sex without love is a meaningless experience...........but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s the best

Anonymous said...

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do

Anonymous said...

Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!

Anonymous said...

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

Anonymous said...

Who was the first person to say
"See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its arse".