Thursday, 30 October 2008

Blue states secede!

This following shock announcement has been issued by New California:


Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, andwe're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota ,Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and all the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states.

* We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

*We get the Statue of Liberty - You get Dollywood.

*We get Intel and Microsoft - You get WorldCom.

*We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

*We get 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs.You get Alabama .

*We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford , Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University , Clemson and the University of Georgia .

We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too.

Peace out,

Blue States

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

That's certainly amusing, and talk of
secession is more common lately, but you miss a few things.

While the populous big cities are blue,
the vast areas of the states are
overwhelmingly red. So secession would
not leave state boundaries unchanged.
In particular, Washington, Oregon, and
large swathes of California would turn
red.

Also, red America would reject affirmative action and the welfare
state, so blue America would pick up
at least 95% of the blacks, and a
similarly large fraction of Mexican
immigrants. That would immediately
cut the violent crime rate in red
America down by about 3/4, and give
blue America a giant ball and chain.

A large fraction of the military are
red American whites, and North Dakota
has most of our nukes, so blue America
would have little ability to push red
on who gets what land.

Red America would be mostly white.

Sounds like a great deal to me, after
the population exchange. I live in the
bluest region of one of the bluest states. I'd move to the red with my
family, as long as I'm compensated for my land. No welfare, no social security,
few blacks. Sounds like paradise, bring
on the secession!

Rhein said...

Good pot in the US?

Never seen such a thing. ^^

Anonymous said...

Do that. Secede, and all the blacks and other layabouts in the red states will head your way. Fucking roll on, I say!

Proud redneck

Anonymous said...

anon 17/01 hit it right on

Skot German said...

Anonymous 1,
So you're saying the blue states will become brown states?

kerdasi amaq said...

The single biggest problem facing America for the next 50 years will be: How do you take a Mexican and turn him into a gringo?

It isn't going to happen! ever!

Anonymous said...

Skot German,
Anonymous1 here. Guess I need
a new handle.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

It also is rather obvious that
Europeans don't have a great handle on the differences in
America, if they think that red
America would be populated
entirely by obese creationist
rubes, or that the dynamo that is
Silicon Valley is the result of
blue Democrats. Sure, Steve Jobs and the Google guys are lefties,
but real engineering is done by
conservative white guys (and
nowadays, Chinese and some
Brahmins) so I think red America
will do fine.

Also, as I said, the state borders
will not be the red/blue borders.
Even in California, which most seem to think of as bluest, there
are many conservative counties.
How will the unarmed lefties seize
them?

Cities are blue, rural areas are largely red. The sooner the split happens, the better!
and that

Anonymous said...

blacks and latinos will always follow the money, i.e. where the whites are. youd be back to the same situation in no time in the blue states.

anyway its all irrelevant as the white ratio will fall below 50% in a few decades so we're all fucked anyway. we'll all be red then.

randy

clonycavan said...

Don't know where you got this, Savant, but it's brilliant.
The secession is however trying to break the 80:20 rule-which I couldn't easily express, but seemed very plausible when I first heard it.
To paraphrase,'You try to make something more efficient by discarding the worst 20%, and the remainder adjusts so that it has a worst 20%'.

SAVANT said...

clonycavan - yes, that seems to be what a lot of commentators are saying, and it's probably true.

Where did I get it? Sources deep within the Nueva Caifornia control room.