Friday, 2 March 2007

Cardinal Connell interview

For some time my adoring public have been pressing me to interview Cardinal Connell. In fact Connell himself was eager to explain himself to your Savant, so I recently summoned him to Chateau Savant for this purpose.

Cardinal Connell

Connell: Greetings, and the blessings of God and His Holy Mother on you.

Savant: Shut up you smarmy bastard – just respond to my questions. By the way, what do mean coming to the interview dressed like the Men In Black? I was expecting the full regalia, long white dress, multiple diamond rings, and the big top hat, the one that makes you look like a totem pole. Have you no respect for The Savant?

Connell: Well, my boy, au contraire, I have too much respect. Such regalia is to impress the superstitious credulous peasantry, not a superior mind like yours.

Savant: So it’s just like the witch doctors and medicine men?

Connell: Yes of course. The ignorant masses are impressed by all of that stuff, the higher and brighter the better. Ideally they should also have no idea of what you’re talking about. That's why changing from Latin was such a pity.

Savant: Yes, they can see for themselves now what a load of bollocks you go on with.

Connell: Indeed, a great pity, but nil desperandum!

Savant: And coitus interruptus to you too. Now, an issue that troubles the whole country: are you a man or a woman?

Connell: A man

Savant: Are you sure?

Connell: Yes

Savant: I don’t want to press the point, but are you a real man, I mean, like, with a prick and two balls?

Connell: well, I have only one ball, but otherwise I'm a man

Savant: I'm still a bit dubious, but let’s move on. The Church has gone into free fall since you took over – you’ve really fucked it up, haven’t you?

Connell: Not at all. Think what I had to contend with. The clergy raping, robbing and abusing everyone in their power since God was a boy, and it all landed on my lap. It wasn’t my fault. I did everything I could to cover it up, transfer the abusers, buy the victims’ silence, obstruct the court cases, lie, cheat and prevaricate – everything a good Cardinal should do.

Savant: I suppose that's true

Connell: yes, and what’s more, I've completely kept the biggest scandal of all under wraps.

Savant: What’s that?

Connell: The financial scandals, my boy! Why, our priests have been swindling the flock for even longer than they’ve been raping them. The oul’ Extreme Unction has been a winner here. Get in with a wealthy victim that's about to croak, promise them eternal salvation in turn for a change of inheritance, and hey presto, you have enough money, to comfortably cover $3000 a night hotels in Bangkok or ride the arse off a divorcee in the back of a 7 Series BMW.

Savant: You’re beginning to impress me. And of course you got the government to pick up the tab for all the abuse scandals.

Connell: Ah, my boy – the piece de resistance! And you say I fucked everything up? I reckon that by keeping the lid on the financial scams, and getting the public to pay for the abuse scandals I've saved Irish Church Enterprises – ho, ho, ho - about €2 billion.

Savant: How in the name of Jesus did you pull that off? Even though you were dealing with Fianna Fail cretins and crooks, it still borders on the unbelievable

Connell; Yes, yes, wasn’t that wonderful? Well, we had a lot of help. Opus Dei and the Knights looked after our interests there – very strong in the civil service you know. Look at how we spiked Tallaght getting the childrens’ hospital. What a job. And of course Bertie was a great help. He has a great graw and respect for Mother Church you know, even if he’s a crooked politician who walked out on his wife and moved in with another woman. In fairness, there’s not another country in the world where we’d get away with that.

Savant: I can't take any more of this. Fuck off or I’ll kick in your other ball.

5 comments:

Cardinal McGroarty said...

Perfect - you got him 100%! I always felt like strangling that bastard myself

Fiona said...

Not remotely funny. Glad you have a day job.

SAVANT said...

Fiona my dear, you're getting on my amply-endowed wick. If you're so offended by everything i write why dont you just fuck off and read the Farmers Journal?

fiona said...

I'm not offended at all - jsut amused reading a frustrated little man pounding his tiny fist on the keyboard as he pounds out his humourless bigitry

SAVANT said...

Jesus Christ - you insubordinate wench!! Do you realsie who your're speaking to? - one of the finest minds in the western hemisphere and a body to die for. Tiny fist indeed! Have you seen my visage adorning the head of the blog? Get thee to a nunnery, you cobweb-crotched bitch - and buy a good vibrator before you go - might relieve some of those frustrations.