Sunday, 18 February 2007

Our President's multi-purpose speech

Your Savant has often wondered why, apart from offloading a lot of excess tax revenue, we need a President. Totally powerless in any practical sense, she wanders the world at great expense, talking horseshit to unsuspecting foreigners. Having noted that every speech, no matter where or to whom, regurgitates exactly the same message, we have, in the interests of saving costs, and getting rid of a few dozen of her speech writers, drawn up our own multi-purpose speech. This will apply in any country, from Pakistan to Paraguay, from Canada to Cameroon, and for any occasion. For the purpose of this execrise we have designated the country Bangawandistan.

Dia dhíbh a chairde go léir. Ta go maith agus Bord na Mona.

This is a historic day in my life, and a wonderful privilege for me to represent my country before the proud people of Bangawandistan. We Irish have an extraordinarily deep relationship with the people of Bangawandistan. It embraces many stories of heartache and courage, of heroism and achievement. We are privileged to share with you this very special experience, with its vitality and variety and its huge passion for one another’s culture. Today, we thank God for the gift of being connected, of staying connected, different peoples, but really as one.

Our long-standing relationship immensely enriches both peoples. It entertains and uplifts, inspires and provokes. And why not? The sea/mountains/rivers/lakes [choose as appropriate] between us are a bridge, not a barrier, to peoples who share so much. And what do we share? First, a formidable cultural heritage [Note: not suitable for Australia]. Our two peoples share a love for art, poetry, song, dance and literature. We also share a deep love of sport, where participation, not winning, is all.

More notable still is the world-renowned reputation for hospitality and generosity enjoyed by our countries, where strangers become friends, differences are celebrated and cultural curiosity becomes the bridge to shared citizenship – a citizenship which has always been wide open and all embracing. At our core we are sharing peoples. Selfishness has never been our creed.

Commitment to the welfare of each other has fired generations of voluntary organisations and a network of everyday neighborliness which weaves together the caring fabric of our respective countries and has made them a refuge for the hurt and dispossessed of other troubled places. In both countries, over many generations there have been very special sources of inspiration. Outstanding politicians, public servants, voluntary workers, clergy of all denominations (but especially Catholic), teachers and particularly parents have through hard and difficult times worked and sacrificed so that our children – and our children’s children - could blossom to their fullest potential.

So in many ways I see the people of Bangawandistan as a crucial part of our global Irish family. The differences which separate us fade into insignificance as the bond of our common humanity forges friendships as intense as love can make them. Yet, both countries know only too well the cruelty and capriciousness of violent conflict. Who can forget, for instance, the way those black Protestant bastards ran me out of my home in the Six Counties all these years ago? Yet we also have a store of shared happy memories which are the bastion against distrust and enmity - a considerable store of great memories, of triumphs and disappointments, of courage and commitment, of hopes and ambitions.

Both peoples can therefore look with satisfaction at what they have achieved. (I never stop doing this in relation to myself, which makes me such a smug, preening insufferable bitch). Our aspiration as proud nations is to be truly inclusive societies, comfortable with differences of faith, culture, ethnicity and colour: It is to reveal the heart we have and the wide support in our countries for the creation of a society of respected equals, enriched with open-mindedness and joyful curiosity about the "otherness" of others. These are the traits we encourage in our children. – and in our children's children.

And finally, may the blessing of the Almighty Father, the Blessed Virgin, the Infant de Prague and the Holy Father, Uber-Kolonel Benedikt fall on both our noble peoples.

And in closing, you have no idea how much I appreciate your allowing me to spew out this horseshit to yet another captive audience of stupefied foreigners.


Steve Sailer said...


But wouldn't she use the word "vibrant" somewhere in her speech? Isn't there some sort of UN Resolution mandating its use?

SAVANT said...

Goddam it Steve, you're right! Back to the drawing board!

mahdihotline said...

Just found your savoblog through VFR. You're a rare thing, an Irish man capable of joining the dots. Though talk of disciplining wenches does make me suspicious you're a closet ROPer. BTW you really should link to Jihadwatch.

Anonymous said...

Good luck with your blog, fellow-Gael. And glad to learn I'm not the only Irish Steve Sailer fan.


Cathal Copeland

SAVANT said...

Thanks Mahdihotline. Not a ROPer, just a pussy-whipped husband. I relieve my frustrations in print and then resume my normal supine position. Have now linked to Jihad Watch

SAVANT said...

Thanks Cathal. I'm sure there are many more Steve S. fans in Ireland.

PS Mahdihotline - what's VFR? I thought that was visual flying 'something' or about motor bikes (and I'm supposed to be an IT specialist!)

mahdihotline said...

View from the Right!

Sweary said...

I found my eyes crossing halfway through it, in EXACTLY the same way my eyes cross when listening to Madamamamame Presidonk. Very authentic! Forward it to Aras an Uachtair Roite immediately!

SAVANT said...

I DID send to the Aras, Swearing Lady, but I haven't heard a thing, no acknowledgement, let alone a word of thanks. Typical, I say.

Anonymous said...

Canada between Paraguay and Cameroon... ><'

Nice speech though.