Friday, 9 February 2007

Drinking problems

Defending Western Civilisation is a time-consuming business, and your Savant has little time for less momentous matters. Nonetheless, sometimes I must accede to pressure from the hoi polloi and apply my wisdom to the mundane. I'm disappointed to learn that many of my readers are avid beer drinkers - I would have expected better - and they suffer from a variety of problems. These, and your Savant's recommendations, are outlined below.

Symptom: Your feet are cold and wet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle.
Corrective action: Rotate your glass so the open end points toward the ceiling.

Symptom: Your feet are warm and wet.
Cause: Improper Bladder Control
Corrective action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain loudly about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Your beer is unusually pale and tasteless.
Cause: (a) Glass empty, (b) You're holding a Coors Lite.
Corrective action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with fluorescent lights
Cause: You have fallen over backward.
Corrective action: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

Symptom: Your mouth contains cigarette butts, and the back of your head is covered with ashes
Cause: You have fallen forward
Corrective action: See above

Symptom: The floor is moving
Cause: You are being carried out.
Corrective action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Your hands hurt, your nose hurts, but your mind is unusually clear
Cause: You have been in a fight.
Corrective action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps.
Cause: You're in a gay bar
Corrective action: Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

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